Parenting: Not as easy as it may seem...

I have to get this off of my chest: I am in LOVE with the age Madison is right now. I get why they call it the "terrible twos," but I also see her personality coming out--and she is constantly making me laugh. She will make eye contact with me, then out of the blue just make the funniest face she possibly can. Its hilarious--you'll have to trust me on this one.

...but I feel guilty. Probably at least once a day I feel so guilty for loving the age she is. Why, you ask? Because she is a little bit older than the age Maverick was when she was born, and that was a ROUGH transition. I don't think anyone really knows how hard of a transition it was for me.. I was in denial and downplayed everything as if things were going great. That's what I do--put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. In reality, I got the baby blues pretty bad after having Madison. I was having constant panic attacks--I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a full-blown anxiety attack and not know how to make it go away. I was constantly crying for no reason. We would have friends over and I'd be sitting in the corner silently crying hysterically because it felt like my life was out of control. Madison was a very high-needs baby.. if she was awake, she was screaming. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. If you spent any time with my family during those first few months of Madison's life, you knew that as soon as you walked in the door you were going to have a baby handed to you because I needed a break. The baby blues started almost right after I had her while I was still in the hospital.. I remember paging the nurse in a panic because I was convinced I couldn't breathe. The nurse came in, checked my lungs, and told me I was fine. In my mind, I wasn't--and that put me in a panic. The only way I got sleep that night was from Joe telling me to close my eyes and he would stay awake and watch me sleep to make sure I was still breathing. That put my mind at ease enough to fall asleep, thank God. 

While going through all of this, I feel like I was constantly irritated or upset with Maverick for one thing or another--I put a lot more responsibility on him as a two-year-old than I should have, and I feel guilty. I didn't enjoy this age when he was in it, and I feel like I missed out on so much. I know that there is no point on feeling guilty and dwelling on the past, but I cant seem to move past it. 

It took about a month for the baby blues to go away--just in time for Maverick to be put in the hospital for 3 days (you can read about that on 'My Story' through my website). I think that was the wake up call I needed to stop taking everything for granted. We didn't know what was wrong with him, and for all we knew he could have had cancer or was dying (thank you LORD for it not being that). I promised myself that I would stop being so petty and getting mad at everything.

What I'm getting to is that no one is perfect. We, as parents, are CONSTANTLY second guessing ourselves. I need to learn how to move past my guilt. What matters is that my kids are healthy, happy, and know that they are loved--and they DO know that. I may not be the world's greatest mom, but I'm trying my best.